It can be hard to bring up the subject of problem drinking with someone else.
You may be worried about upsetting them. You may also feel scared about facing up to what can be a difficult problem.
It’s normal for a person not to want to face that they might need to change their drinking or give up.
They might never change or it might take a long time for them to be ready. It’s their decision and you can’t make it happen.
What you can do
- Keep the lines of communication open.
- Offer support.
- Let them know the effect their drinking is having on you.
See how they feel about change
If they don’t see a problem, they may accuse you of nagging or over-reacting.
If they have been thinking about change, they may be relieved to talk about how they're feeling.
If they want to change, they might appreciate your support and advice.
Things you might say
- 'Are you worried about your drinking at all '
- 'I feel like you’re drinking is getting a bit out of control. Do you think you might need to cut down a bit '
Plan and pick a good time
Being prepared can help you to:
- avoid getting emotional
- avoid getting angry
- saying something you may regret
Talk when they are in good form and not under the influence of alcohol. Avoid talking first thing in the morning or when they are suffering from a hangover.
Avoid blame and accusations
They may already be upset or worried about their drinking or feel guilty. They may get defensive or ‘switch off’ if they feel they are under attack.
Things you might say:
- 'I’m a bit worried about your drinking.'
- 'I want to talk to you about something: I feel that your drinking is causing you some problems.'
- 'You seem to be drinking more lately and I think it’s having a bad effect on us.'
- 'The family cannot afford the money you spend on alcohol.'
Use examples to explain
Real examples can help to show the consequences of drinking.
What you might say
'John was upset when you were hungover and didn’t take him to football.'
'I was looking forward to watching the movie with you and I was really disappointed when you stayed in the pub.'
'You were very aggressive to me at the weekend when you had been drinking and it made me feel scared.'
Don't give mixed messages
Be consistent in what you say and do. You may believe they have a drinking problem and tell them that you're worried. But continuing to drink with them could send a confusing message.
Be prepared for resistance
They may feel very defensive when you bring it up, unless they are already thinking about change.
They may get angry, refuse to talk about it, dismiss what you are saying or laugh it off.
Not accepting there is a problem is a common response. Accepting it can be a difficult or painful reality.
Don’t push the issue
It’s not helpful to get into a verbal fight or to keep repeating the same argument. If they won’t talk about it, leave it for a while.
What you might say
'OK. But I hope you’ll think about it because it is worrying me.'
Don’t give up
This doesn’t mean commenting and criticising whenever they are drinking. Let them know your feelings and that you are there for them.
How to cope with a family member’s problem drinking.
Find alcohol support services.
page last reviewed: 08/11/2019
next review due: 08/11/2022
Realising you have a problem with alcohol is the first big step to getting help. You may need help if: A good place to start is with a GP. Try to be accurate and honest about how much you drink and any problems it may be causing you. If you have become dependent on alcohol, you will have found it difficult to fully control your drinking in some way. So you'll probably need some help either to cut down and control your drinking or stop completely, and also some plans to maintain the improvement after that. The GP may suggest different types of assessment and support options available to you, such as from local community alcohol services. You can also ask about any free local support groups and other alcohol counselling that may suit you. Find alcohol support services in your area If you have become physically dependent and need to stop drinking completely, stopping overnight could be harmful. You should get advice about this and about any medicine you may need to do this safely. The sorts of withdrawal symptoms that suggest you may need medicine include: Cutting down or stopping drinking is usually just the beginning, and most people will need some degree of help or a long-term plan to stay in control or completely alcohol free. Getting the right support can be crucial to maintaining control in the future. Only relying on family, friends or carers for this often is not enough. Ask a GP or alcohol service about what longer-term support is available in your area. Self-help or mutual aid groups (groups such as AA or SMART Recovery groups) are accessible in most areas. Caring for an alcoholic? Find out where you can get support.
Most people receive support to stop drinking and recovery support in the community.
If you need medicine to help you stop drinking, it can often be taken at home or when attending a local service daily.
But some people will need a short stay in a 24-hour medically supported unit so they can receive safe treatment of their withdrawal symptoms or other problems.
This may be in an NHS inpatient unit or a medically supported residential service, depending on your situation and the assessed medical need.
Some people are assessed as needing intensive rehabilitation and recovery support for a period after they stop drinking completely, either through attending a programme of intensive support in their local community or by attending a residential rehabilitation service.
This type of intensive treatment is usually reserved for people with medium or high levels of alcohol dependence, and those who have received other forms of help previously that have not been successful.
Local authorities are responsible for alcohol treatment services. Intensive residential rehabilitation may require an additional assessment process to determine if there is funding for this.
It's also possible to pay for residential rehabilitation privately. Medical insurance companies may fund this for a certain period.
Find out more about treatments for alcohol dependency.
Here are some things you can do to look after your friend or family member, and yourself.
When to speak to a doctor
Physical alcohol withdrawal is a medical emergency.
If someone is physically dependent on alcohol, it’s dangerous to stop drinking suddenly.
If they have any of these symptoms, get medical help as soon as possible:
- Shaking, trembling or seizures (fits)
- Hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that aren’t there)
- Nausea (feeling sick) and vomiting
- Racing pulse or heart rate
A doctor will be able to assess their risk and suggest treatments to keep them safe and help them feel better.
See Alcohol withdrawal: the symptoms and what to do about it
Help them to eat healthily
Someone who’s stopped drinking may not feel like eating and drinking.
Help them stay hydrated by offering them non-alcoholic drinks. Avoid coffee, energy drinks and anything else with caffeine, as these can make it harder to sleep.
You could also consider preparing healthy foods in advance, so there’s something ready for them when they do feel hungry.
People who have stopped drinking often crave sweet foods. Fresh fruit makes a healthy alternative to sugary snacks.
Suggest ways to relax
Someone who has stopped drinking may feel stressed, tense or worried. Simple relaxation tools like breathing exercises could help them feel better.
See our tips for how to relax at home
Try a simple deep breathing exercise with our free online tool
If your friend or family member is struggling with cravings for alcohol, see our advice on how to handle cravings.
Set some healthy boundaries
When you’re focused on supporting someone else, it’s especially important that you also look after yourself.
Someone who’s trying to stop drinking might behave in ways that are harmful for them and for others, which is why it’s so important to set healthy boundaries.
These are the limits we have when it comes to other people’s behaviour. For example, you may draw the line at being lied to, being sworn at, or having alcohol in your home.
Keeping boundaries can be difficult. But in the end, they will protect both you and the person you care about.
Setting boundaries
Try to have calm, positive conversations
In difficult situations, it’s easy to start saying negative things or blaming each other.
To help, we’ve collected some simple communication tips to encourage calm and positive conversations.
These will help you:
- know when it’s a good time to talk
- encourage your friend or family member to open up and be honest
- say how you feel without making the other person defensive
How to have better conversations
Help them through lapses and relapses
A lapse is when someone drinks after not drinking for a while. A relapse is when someone goes back to drinking regularly.
Lapses and relapses are frustrating, but they’re a normal part of the process when someone has stopped drinking.
A single lapse doesn’t mean someone has failed. With support and encouragement, they can avoid a full relapse.
If someone does have a full relapse, it might make stopping more difficult - but if they have managed it once, they can do it again.
What to do if someone relapses
You won’t always be able to prevent lapses or relapses. But you can make them less likely by knowing a person's triggers: the situations that make them crave drink.
Triggers: how to avoid them
Find professional support
You don’t have to go through this alone: we can help you find professional support.
If the person you're concerned about is not already attending an alcohol service, we can help them find a service.
If you can't find any face-to-face support, we have advice on how to safely detox from alcohol at home - but you should always speak to a medical professional before trying this if at all possible.
You can also get free and confidential advice through our webchat service.
Talk to us online