How long do guys take in the bathroom?

Shortly after launching our new consumer product Throne Daddy, a soft backrest for the toilet seat lid, comments appeared on our Facebook page. One woman objected to the very thought of making the toilet more comfortable, “Next thing we know,” she complained, “he’ll want a beer tap in there.”

The problem we wanted to solve was simple. The toilet lid is too hard, too cold, and too far back to support relaxing or reading on the toilet.

But some women took exception to their husbands dawdling in the lav. One wanted to know, “What is he doing in there that takes so long?” That prompted a question of our own. Why do these women seem to resent the time their partners spend in the bathroom?

We heard women complain, “People should get in, do their business, and get out.” Not all women are annoyed, of course, but I was curious why these critics were so opposed to relaxing or reading on the toilet. Moreover, was this objection widespread and might it be a major obstacle to marketing our new product? Maybe we should have called our backrest Spa Go.

We wondered if these complaints were born of a safety or health concern? So, first, we looked at safety. According to a study published in the journal Soft Matter, a peer-reviewed scientific journal published by the Royal Society of Chemistry, the average mammal — regardless of size — takes only about 12 seconds to poop. Why does this matter? A slow poop in the wild can put an animal at risk because waste odor attracts predators. If you have ever walked a dog, you know your pooch doesn’t hang around after doing his duty. Still, the family john isn’t set in the woods, so why worry about predators?

How about health risks? Some women are alarmed that sitting on the toilet longer than necessary causes hemorrhoids — swollen blood vessels around the anus that come from straining too hard to go (lovely subject). Medical research affirms, however, it’s not the amount of time spent on the toilet that causes hemorrhoids, it’s straining pressure caused by constipation, which is more likely to be eliminated through a diet composed of less sugar and more of the fiber found in fruits and vegetables.

I will get back to more of the women’s’ worries in a moment, but first, let’s examine the man’s point of view.

A 2018 study conducted by a British research company questioned a thousand men and women living in the UK about their bathroom habits. The researchers found that 33% of British men admitted to hiding out in their bathroom to get some “peace and quiet.” Almost 23% described their bathroom as their little refuge — their “safe place.” And 25% even said if they couldn’t escape to the bathroom from time to time they “didn’t know how they’d cope.” They said retiring to the bathroom was the only way they could find any time to themselves. Many women felt the same frustration.

It seems, though, that men need more than quiet time. Doing “one’s business” on the toilet is not the same as “conducting business” as revealed by the Marketing company 11Mark who surveyed 1,000 Americans about their bathroom habits. The results showed 63 % of survey participants have received a phone call while in the bathroom, and 41% said they have initiated a phone call there. 30% of the men said they couldn’t go to the restroom without their mobile device as compared to 20% of women; 14% revealed that men store items such as magazines, books and even food for those times they hide away in the bathroom.

For men, this disappearing act is about privacy, but the resentment women feel goes deeper.

One woman said, “The more time he spends in the bathroom, the more I have to clean.” Despite being a man’s place of calm, 44% of men admit their partner is the one who cleans the bathroom. On the other hand, of the 1,000 women who took part in the survey, a more substantial 72% said they are the ones who clean, and stock the bathroom with toilet paper.

Men may load the dishes in the dishwasher, take out the garbage or do “outside work,” but they are pretty much allergic to cleaning porcelain. What women resent even more than the time their men spend in their hideout, is men not showing them an appreciation for keeping the bathroom clean.

Women had other gripes such as, “It never fails. When it’s time to do the dishes or take out the garbage he heads for his ‘office,’ aka the bathroom, and I end up doing the chores because I can’t wait all night,” Another grumble is, “I would like some quiet time of my own, but then who takes care of the kids?”

Women are also anxious about “splatter,” a worry that could be alleviated, they say, if more men would sit down to pee.

Some men have figured that out. According to a 2011 John Hopkins survey, 35 percent of the 2000 male respondents stated they sat on the toilet to pee. Some of their reasons are to avoid splatter, others are to reduce the sound, to relax, and because it’s easier to read sitting down.

Finally, according to my wife and inventor/partner Mary Lou, bathroom odor is another reason women don’t understand how men can relax in the bathroom. Huh? What odor? Then she reminded me about the research we did years ago when we invented Sneaker Balls, air fresheners for sports shoes. I forgot the fact that the average woman has 16.2 million cells in their olfactory bulb compared with 9.2 million total cells in the average man. In other words, women have seven million more ways to detect odors than men.

That explains why a woman (Mary Lou) is more likely to walk into a motel room and wrinkle her nose at the lingering smell of cigarette smoke while the man (me) won’t have a clue what she’s talking about — but agrees anyway.

Women are far more likely to be aware of a niggling odor emanating from the toilet than are men, which explains a woman’s dismay. “Why does he want to hang around in there when it smells so foul?”

It’s painfully hard to smell the world through another person’s nose or for that matter to generally appreciate the depth of each other’s senses. When we do, however, we have a much better chance of understanding and accepting them for who they are and why they load the dishwasher in such a disorganized fashion.

So, the next time you shake your head resenting why your partner spends so much time in the bathroom, try to appreciate their need for quiet time. And from behind the bathroom door, pay attention to your true love when they suggest your quiet time would be more enjoyable for all concerned if you waited until after the kids were put to bed and the smelly garbage was taken out.