How to know what you love

Co-authored by Jessica Engle, MFT, MA

Last Updated: August 6, 2022 References Approved

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This article was co-authored by Jessica Engle, MFT, MA. Jessica Engle is a relationship coach and psychotherapist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She founded Bay Area Dating Coach in 2009, after receiving her Master's in Counseling Psychology. Jessica is also a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Registered Drama Therapist with over 10 years of experience.

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This article has been viewed 3,469,429 times.

There are many different kinds of love[1] and there's no single way to know whether you're really feeling it — or just in the throes of a serious infatuation. Still, if you pay attention to how you feel and act around your special someone, you should be able to figure out whether you're really in love. If you want to know how to do it, just follow these steps.

Steps

Part 1 Part 1 of 3:Noticing What You Think

1. 
   

   1

   See if you can’t picture a future without your loved one. If you’re really in love, then you shouldn't be able to picture your future without them. Whether at night, or in the morning, or with your friends, the fact that you can't stop means you're in love, and may have found "the one". Whether thinking of moving to a new city, having children, spending a year abroad, or reaching any of your future goals, you should be thinking of doing these things with your significant other by your side. If you can’t imagine going through life without your significant other — not just next summer, or next year, or whenever— then you may be truly in love. Here are some other signs that you’re truly in love:

   • If you can't think about starting a new chapter of your life, whether it's a new job or a move to a new place, without your loved one at your side.
   • If you've thought about having children but can't imagine having kids with anyone other than your loved one.
   • If you can't imagine growing old without your loved one by your side.

2. 
   

   2

   See if you can’t go a few hours without thinking of your loved one. To be in love, you don’t have to be obsessive about your loved one; in fact, quite the opposite is true. If you have a healthy loving relationship, then you should be able to spend time apart from your loved one without obsessing over what they're doing every five seconds.[2] However, if you can go a whole weekend, or a whole month, without your loved one once crossing your mind, then you may like them a lot, but you may not necessarily have reached the love stage yet. Here are some other signs that you’re really in love:

   • If you read a book or see a movie without your loved one, you may wonder what they would think of it.
   • If you're trying on clothes without your special someone, you may think about how they would like your new look.
   • If you call or text your loved one just because you want to say hi or hear their voice, then you may be falling in love.

3. 
   

   3

   See if you truly value the opinions of your loved one. If you’re really in love, then you won’t just be thinking of your loved one as a perfect object that should be worshipped, but as a living, breathing human being with an interesting perspective and many unique opinions. If you’re really in love, then you should value your loved one’s opinion and should care about what they think, whether it’s about your next career move or the political situation in your country. Though you don’t have to care what they think about absolutely everything, if you don’t truly value the input of your loved one, then you may not be in love yet. Here are some signs that you’ve truly found the one:

   • If you take your loved one's ideas into account when you're making a big decision, then you take your partner seriously enough to be in love.
   • If you're in a difficult social situation and value your special someone's opinion of what you should do, then you may be falling in love.
   • If you care what your loved one thinks about the news, politics, art, or anything else that truly matters to you, then you may be falling in love.

4. 
   

   4

   See if your loved one makes you want to be a better person. If you’re really in love, then you shouldn't just be completely comfortable in your status quo, even if you’re very content with your loved one. Though being happy with the relationship you have and the person that you are is essential, being with your loved one should make you want to take your life to the next level and to be the best person you can possibly be—eventually. Here are some more signs that you’re truly in love:

   • If you want to read more, know more, care more, and just to be a more well-rounded person not just to please your loved one but because they really motivate you to want to change your life in a positive way, then you may be in love.
   • If you want to work on addressing your flaws and developing your character just from being around your loved one, then you may be falling in love.

5. 
   

   5

   See if you feel like the best version of yourself when you’re with your loved one. If you’re in love, then the person you love should bring out the best in you. After all, if you’re in love, then you should want to be with the person you’re with for the rest of your life, so that person should make you feel like your best self. If you feel like you can never fully be who you are,[3] or that you’re inadequate in some way when you’re around your loved one, then you may not be in love. Here are some signs that you’ve fallen in love:

   • If you feel at your most handsome or beautiful when you're around your loved one, even if you're just rocking a casual look.
   • If you feel like you're at your smartest and sharpest when you're talking something through with your partner.
   • If you feel you're most confident around your loved one, and never have to worry if you're going to sound stupid when you begin to say something.

6. 
   

   6

   See if you’re aware of your loved one’s flaws – and are okay with them. If you’re really in love, then you should be able to see your significant other as a real live human being with real human flaws – not as a god or a goddess. If you insist that your loved one is perfect, then you have a real problem. But if you’re comfortable admitting that your loved one can be a bit selfish or isn’t the world’s greatest listener, then you have a more realistic perspective on the relationship and are much more likely to be in love for real.

   • Being aware of your loved one's flaws doesn't mean you shouldn't help them address them if that's the right thing to do.
   • If you can't possibly think of two or three things that make your special someone less than perfect, then you may not be truly seeing the person for who they are.
   • If you and your loved one are comfortable enough with each other to laugh about one another's flaws, then you're more likely to be really in love.

Part 2 Part 2 of 3:Noticing What You Do

1. 
   

   1

   See if you take pleasure in helping your loved one. Love is about give and take. If you’re in love, then you should enjoy the giving just as much as the taking. You should take pleasure in making your loved one lunch, giving them a ride when they need one, or even doing your loved one’s laundry if they're having a rough week. Though you shouldn't get taken advantage of, you should be able to enjoy helping your loved one when they need it and be prepared to be helped in return. Here are some more signs that you're really in love:

   • If you feel good about getting your special someone coffee or surprising them with a dessert from your favorite bakery without feeling like you're wasting your precious time or money.
   • If you enjoy teaching your loved one how to do something, whether it's to make the perfect burger or to solve a complicated math problem.

2. 
   

   2

   See if your loved one makes you laugh. Love doesn't have to be so serious all the time. Sure, you can spend hours staring longingly into the eyes of your loved one, but that can get a little boring. If you’re really in love, then you should be able to goof off and laugh with your loved one and to enjoy the sense of humor of your loved one. Though neither of you has to be comedians for your relationship to work, it helps to be able to laugh with each other from time to time. This shows that you’re comfortable enough (and happy enough) with each other to be in love.

   • If your special someone has the ability to make you crack up even when you're in the worst of moods, then you may be falling in love.

3. 
   

   3

   See if you enjoy doing the little things with your loved one. True love isn't like an episode of The Bachelor — though taking a helicopter ride with your loved one or having a romantic picnic in a vineyard can be intensely romantic and an incredible experience, real love means being able to find the fun in the mundane things with your loved one, from having a beer or two at your local bar to buying kitty litter and stopping to get ice cream on the way home. Here are some signs that you truly appreciate all of the time you spend with your loved one:

   • If you like just sitting around and watching your favorite TV show with your loved one.
   • If you like stepping out to get ice cream with your loved one as much as you like enjoying a delicious fancy four-course meal together.
   • If you enjoy a night in with your loved one as much as you like the occasional extravagant date.

   EXPERT TIP

   

   Jessica Engle, MFT, MA

   Relationship Coach
   Jessica Engle is a relationship coach and psychotherapist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She founded Bay Area Dating Coach in 2009, after receiving her Master's in Counseling Psychology. Jessica is also a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Registered Drama Therapist with over 10 years of experience.
   

   Jessica Engle, MFT, MA
   Relationship Coach

   Love is different throughout the stages of your life. Jessica Engle, the director of Bay Area Dating Coach, says: "Often when we're younger, there's that exciting feeling we refer to as puppy love. As we get more experience and start to grow older, love might be less intense at the beginning, for some people, but it has legs, so to speak. There may be a calmer, deeper sense of connection over time."

4. 
   

   4

   See if you’ve made it through the tough times. Love isn’t a bed of roses, though if you’re truly in love, the good days should far outnumber the bad, and you should be comfortable staying in your relationship during less-than-ideal circumstances, from a job loss to the death of a loved one. Tough situations can test the strength of your relationship, and if you’ve never had to overcome a significant hurdle with your loved one, then you may not have enough information to know if you’re in love yet.[4]

   • If you were able to work through a tough problem in your relationship, whether it was trying to make it work with one of your insanely busy schedules or dealing with one person's disappointment in a major life event, then your relationship should be stronger for it.
   • If you were able to stay strong during the death of a loved one, then you're more likely to feel truly in love.

5. 
   

   5

   See if you’re willing to step out of your comfort zone for your loved one. If you’re really in love, then you should be willing to try something new and unexpected for your loved one, even if it makes you a little scared or queasy. This doesn’t mean that you should walk across hot coals or embarrass yourself just to win over the person you love, but it does mean that you should be ready to take a far-away trip to see your loved one’s distant relatives in Guatemala or go on a hike or two with your loved one if he’s obsessed with hiking.[5]

   • If you're willing to do something that you thought you would never do, such as learn a new language or learn to swim, because it's really important for your loved one, then you're more likely to be in love.
   • If you've found yourself being more comfortable with being uncomfortable, with or without your loved one, then you may be in love.

6. 
   

   6

   See if you’re willing to compromise for your loved one. If you’re really in love, then you should know that you can’t always get your way. If your loved one is always giving in to your demands because you’re so stubborn, then you’re not really in love. Being in love means getting what you want sometimes, and letting your loved one get what he/she wants sometimes; or better yet, finding a solution that makes both people happy.

   • If you're in love, then you should not only be able to compromise with your loved one, but you should feel good about reaching a decision together, instead of feeling like you didn't really get what you wanted.
   • If you're really in love, then both people should be able to compromise, instead of one person doing all the giving in every time.

7. 
   

   7

   See if you’re comfortable with maintaining your individuality. If you’re really in love, then you shouldn't turn into a clone of your loved one, copying all of their interests and hobbies and shedding anything that gave you pleasure before you started your relationship. Instead, you should be able to maintain your sense of self while growing together with the person that you love.[6] If you’re truly in love, then you should be doing the following things:

   • Being comfortable hanging out with your friends without your special someone, and letting them do the same.
   • Being okay with maintaining your own interests, such as yoga or soccer, even if your special someone doesn't do them.
   • Being happy having some alone time instead of always hanging out with your significant other.

Part 3 Part 3 of 3:Noticing What You Say

1. 
   

   1

   See if you can truly say what’s on your mind in front of your loved one. If you’re really in love, then you shouldn't hold back when you talk to your loved one. This doesn't mean that you should tell them every little thing that’s bothering you or nag them because you feel like you’re being honest, but it does mean that you should be comfortable enough in your relationship to be able to bring up something that’s bothering you, or sharing your true feelings, without feeling like it’s not worth it because your loved one will be bored, angry, or just won’t care.[7]

   • If you can tell your partner exactly how you feel about something without worrying that you sound immature or stupid, then you may be falling in love.
   • If you're okay with cracking a joke, no matter how corny it may be, then you and your loved one are on the same page.

2. 
   

   2

   See if you’re happy to spend hours talking about nothing with your loved one. If you’re really in love, then you and your loved one don’t have to have deep discussions about the meaning of life or about the status of your relationship all the time. A lot of love lies in the little things, and most of your conversation won’t be earth-shattering or celestial, and that’s perfectly okay.

   • If you’re really in love, then you should be happy dissecting the latest episode of Breaking Bad with your loved one, or making small talk during a baseball game, and feeling that it’s enough.
   • If you've gotten off the phone with your loved one after laughing the whole time and wondering, "What did we just talk about?" then you may be in love.

3. 
   

   3

   See if you’re comfortable revealing your weaknesses to your loved one. If you’re truly in love, then you should be comfortable enough to let your loved one see the real you, even if that means showing your less-than-flattering side. If everything you say is devised to make your significant other like you or want to be with you even more, then you’re not comfortable with them enough to be really in love.

   • If you’re willing to open up and talk about your past mistakes or grievances, then you’re more likely to be in love.
   • You don't have to tell the person you love every last thing that has caused you pain, but you should be able to feel better after mentioning it. If you're in love, you'll accept each other, flaws and all.

4. 
   

   4

   See if you’re always finding new ways to compliment your significant other. If you’re really in love, then when you feel the urge to compliment your partner, you should feel a fresh thought come to mind. If all you can think of is, "You’re so hot" or "You’re so funny," then you have to dig deeper to find why you really love the person you’re with. You should be able to compliment the strong suits of the person you’re with — inside and out.

   • If you're always finding yourself pleasantly surprised by the seemingly endless good qualities that your loved one demonstrates, then you may be in love.
   • If you often tell the special someone things you love about them — and really mean it — then you may be in love.

5. 
   

   5

   If you're in love, then you will notice them for their inner beauty, not (only) their outer beauty.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); Tips

• If when you are reading this page and you are thinking of just one person, you are probably in love with them.

• If they are the last thing you think about at night you may be in love.

• When you're listening to love songs and you think about "that special person", it may be a sign that you are in love.

Warnings

• Many people confuse liking someone with loving them.

• What you think is love might actually be infatuation or lust.

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References

1. ↑ https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/love/
2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/neuronarrative/201402/what-neuroscience-tells-us-about-being-in-love
3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/moral-landscapes/201410/ten-signs-love
4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201612/the-7-signs-youve-found-yourself-loving-relationship
5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201706/6-certain-signs-being-in-love
6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201612/the-7-signs-youve-found-yourself-loving-relationship
7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201705/10-signs-relationship-is-truly-loving

About This Article

Co-authored by:

Jessica Engle, MFT, MA

Relationship Coach

This article was co-authored by Jessica Engle, MFT, MA. Jessica Engle is a relationship coach and psychotherapist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She founded Bay Area Dating Coach in 2009, after receiving her Master's in Counseling Psychology. Jessica is also a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Registered Drama Therapist with over 10 years of experience. This article has been viewed 3,469,429 times.

Co-authors: 220

Updated: August 6, 2022

Views:3,469,429

Article Rating:83% - 12 votes

Categories: Featured Articles | Falling in Love

Article SummaryX

To tell if you’re really in love with someone, pay attention to the way you think about them. If you find yourself thinking about the other person all the time, or if you can’t imagine your future without them, then there’s a good chance you’re in love with them. Consider how you feel about their opinions, too. Do you really value what they think and what they have to say? If you have to make a big decision, do you ask them for their input? If so, then you probably love and care about them. It’s also a good sign if you notice the other person’s flaws, but you accept them for who they are anyway. Check your own behavior as well. When you’re in love with someone, you’ll want to be the best version of yourself around them. Pay attention to whether you enjoy helping them and spending time with them—even when you’re not doing anything that exciting together. You might also find that you’re more willing to step outside of your comfort zone or make compromises for someone you love. Also, you’ll feel more comfortable opening up to them and truly being yourself. Being in love isn’t always easy, so pay attention to how you feel and behave in good times as well as bad. If you’re able to make it through rough patches together and still come out feeling good about your relationship, then there’s a good chance you’re in love. For more advice from our Relationships co-author, including how to see if you’re okay with your significant other’s flaws, keep reading.

In other languages

Italiano:Sapere se sei Innamorato

Português:Saber Se Você Está Apaixonado(a)

Deutsch:Verliebt sein

Español:saber si estás enamorado(a)

Français:savoir si l'on est amoureux(se)

Nederlands:Weten of je verliefd bent

Русский:понять, что вы влюбились

中文:知道自己是否爱上了某人

Čeština:Jak poznat, jestli jste skutečně zamilovaní

日本語:恋に落ちたか判断する

Bahasa Indonesia:Mengetahui Apa Kamu Sedang Jatuh Cinta

ไทย:ดูว่าคุณกำลังมีความรักหรือไม่

Tiếng Việt:Biết liệu Mình có đang Yêu

हिन्दी:पता करें कि आप प्यार (Pyar) में हैं

العربية:إدراك أنك واقع في الحب

한국어:사랑에 빠졌는지 알아보는 방법

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Reader Success Stories

• 

  J.R. Moor

  Apr 18, 2016

  "I like the way it was broken up into parts: what you think, do, and say. That made it easy to follow. Also that it gave specific examples was also helpful. It was written in a non-definitive way by saying, "You MAY be in love," which is more honest."

• 

  Anonymous

  Aug 26, 2016

  "This article really does help. Now I know the difference between love and infatuation. I can relate to all of those even if I'm still young. And now I can confidently say that, "Yes, I truly am in love with him.""

• 

  Gracy Rathor

  May 10, 2017

  "I was confused between like and love. Somewhere this made me realize that I really love someone and it's not infatuation or lust. Thanks for helping."

• 

  April Crowl

  Jun 1, 2017

  "I thought I was too young to be in love, but everything is spot on. High school sweethearts might be real. I guess we just wait and see. ;)"

  Rated this article:

• 

  Ami Waters

  Jan 29, 2017

  "When I think about him, I smile. I am nervous to talk to him, and when I see him my heart starts to beat fast."

• 

  Samuel Fulton

  May 28, 2017

  "I've been caring about someone the way this has explained, and I've told her I loved her and she said it back."

• 

  Sammy T.

  Feb 17, 2017

  "Breaking it down into simple steps was helpful to understand the meanings more. Loved the tips."

• 

  Sheadin Ann

  Apr 4, 2016

  "This helped me a lot with things my mother never thought to tell me about. Thanks!"

• 

  Christian Mitchell

  Jul 17, 2020

  "My girlfriend is still dating me thanks to all the compliments I give her."

• 

  Anonymous

  Dec 7, 2018

  "This article is helpful for me dealing with my heart and what to do next."

• 

  L. L.

  Feb 9, 2017

  "You helped me realize how much I loved him. Thank you! "

• 

  Daisy Hunter

  Jun 6, 2016

  "I have a really confused heart— this article helped!"

• 

  Jyoti Kumari

  Aug 21, 2016

  "I was very confused but now I am feeling much better."

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  Ritik Ban

  Jun 1, 2017

  "This helped me to express my feelings. "

• 

  Eve May

  Jun 17, 2017

  "It really helped me."

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