What does mommy issues look like in a relationship?

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When I had my first baby, the relationship I had with my mom completely shifted — or at least that’s how it seemed.

I was a new mom, deciding what kind of parent I’d like to be and how I wanted to raise my children. It revealed everything I had been overlooking in my own mommy issues.

I started to ask myself, “What if I’m like my own mother?” with a sense of panic.

So I wanted to talk to you — to let you know you’re not alone. We can recognize the symptoms of mommy issues and deal with them even after becoming a mom ourselves.

What Does It Mean to Have Mommy Issues?

Mommy issues can be looked at with the same lens as daddy issues — the more commonly discussed of the two. Both arise from a strained relationship between a parent and their child.

Mothers are often the foundation for attachment. Babies cling to their mothers and learn how to define trust and intimacy based on their mother’s response. This isn’t a gender role but rather because mothers carry them during pregnancy. Babies have more time to get to know their mother’s habits, smells, voice, and behaviors.

Many adults realize the negative aspects of their childhood as they grow older, especially when they become parents themselves. It’s common to process your relationships with each parent and even find disappointment or resentment in these relationships. There are needs that deserve to be met that go beyond food, shelter, and physical health. Children also need parents/caregivers who:

• Are openly and consistently accessible
• Emotionally available
• Respond appropriately to your feelings without dismissing them
• Validate their opinions and emotions
• Show unconditional love

If your mom didn’t meet these emotional needs, it might mean you have mommy issues.

Why Do Mommy Issues Occur?

Even though it’s 2021, the majority of moms are the primary caretakers, whether they work inside or outside the home. (Stay at home moms ARE working!) Mothers are our prime attachment source. We depend on them for everything, and they are usually the one that’s always around.

It’s only fair that they are the ones we also direct our anger towards when we are unhappy with our childhood or how things were…

Someone can develop “mommy issues” for a variety of reasons. Relationships between a child and their mother deteriorate when moms:

• Are dismissive of their children and their needs
• Act too involved or obsessive over their children
• Rarely apologize for their actions  
• Abuse or neglect their children (emotionally or physically)
• Aren’t nurturing or affectionate
• Don’t tend to their children’s emotions or seem to care about their feelings

What Do Mommy Issues Look Like in Women?

While it’s commonly applied to men, the term “mommy issues” also exists in women. Mother-daughter relationships can be strained due to disagreements on values, nitpicking, boundary issues, or criticism.

Women who have mommy issues usually have a poor self-worth. They lack confidence because their moms often wore them down emotionally. This often leads to shame, anxiety, and depression, too.

What Are the Symptoms of Mommy Issues?

There’s a variety of symptoms that come alongside a strained relationship with your mom, but let’s look specifically at postpartum first.

Mommy issues in postpartum can look like:

• A difficulty bonding with baby
• Being scared you’ll be a bad mom
• The need for constant affection and approval from those around you (even your baby)
• Feeling or acting uncomfortable when asked about your own mom
• High sense of shame
• Low self-worth

You might look back at your life and notice your:

• Enormous independence
• Trust issues
• Low self-worth
• High levels of sensitivity
• Need for constant affection
• Need for constant reassurance
• Fear of abandonment
• Consistent shame
• Few boundaries in relationships or trouble setting boundaries
• Avoidance of any type of conflict
• Search for another mother figure or perceived caretaker

Why Do Women Realize They Have Mommy Issues After Pregnancy?

Having a baby is a huge life change. As your responsibilities and free time change, your relationships also do. Beyond your relationship with your partner, your relationship with your parents can change, which is one that surprises new moms. 

Suddenly, your own parents are in a grandparent role while you are now in charge of this tiny human. Healthy boundaries and uncomfortable conversations might occur that can put stress on this relationship that hasn’t had to happen before.

Additionally, having a baby can change how you saw your own childhood. You might realize everything you didn’t get, such as those emotional needs going unmet. Or early childhood trauma can arise and affect your perspective of yourself as a competent mother. (This often can lead to postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety. If you feel this is you, seek help from a mental health professional.)

In fact, your entire worldview might change — and that’s okay!

Related: What To Do If You Feel Neglected by Your Partner After Baby

How I Realized I Had Mommy Issues in Postpartum

As I mentioned at the beginning, my relationship with my own mom changed completely when I had my son.

I noticed how much we differed in parenting strategies. Not only that — I began to resent her for parenting me the way she did.

I didn’t understand why she was never around, why she always dismissed our emotions and opinions, why I never felt safe to go to her with my feelings or when something big happened in my life.

And as I stared at my sweet son in adoration, I struggled to imagine how in the world a mom could do that to their sweet baby — no matter what age.

So Did I Have A Bad Mom?

If you hold resentment towards your mom or your relationship with her is strained, it doesn’t mean she was a bad mom. She might not have had:

• Knowledge of attachment or child development
• Consistent support in balancing motherhood, life, and her own needs
• A childhood where her own needs were met properly

There’s a chance, too, your needs just weren’t met in the exact way you needed them to. This isn’t your fault nor is it your mom’s fault; it doesn’t mean one is worse than the other.

She might have done the best she could have with the tools she had, but that doesn’t mean you should feel guilty for feeling this way.

Will I Be A Bad Mom If I Don’t Like My Mom?

Acknowledging the issues you had in your childhood is a great first step since you can notice when they occur as you parent your own children. Seek out knowledge on building secure attachments and child development in order to give yourself the tools to “mom” successfully.

However, working on yourself through therapy, including working through unprocessed childhood trauma, is incredibly important in this process. It changes your heart along with your actions, which we know are both incredibly important to meeting the needs of children.

At a quick glance, to improve yourself as a mom when you didn’t like how your own mom parented:

• Acknowledge the good and the bad in your childhood honestly
• Learn about attachment and child development
• Seek out support
• Work on your own issues and meet your own needs

You can only meet your children’s needs as much as you’ve met yours.

Related: Why You’re A Good Mom Even If Your Mental Health Sucks

Do I Have Mommy Issues Quiz

If you can relate to the signs and symptoms, or if you have a fractured relationship with your mother, download the FREE Mommy Issues Quiz below to see what your next step should be.

How Do I Get Rid of Mommy Issues?

Revisiting how to improve yourself as a mom, even with mommy issues, is important. We previously discussed this pattern:

• Acknowledging the good and the bad in your childhood honestly
• Learning about attachment and child development
• Seeking out support
• Working on your own issues and meet your own needs

If you need to build your support system still, learn more about our Postpartum Support System. Even if your relationship with your mom is strained, there’s 37+ other people that would love to help you as you become a new mom.

How do you resolve mommy issues? Share with us in the comments below!

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