Why do i like being a sub

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Mainstream media might have you believe that sexual submission is synonymous with “easily coerced virginal, clumsy writer” or “has no boundaries.” (Hi, Anastasia Steele!)

But IRL, sexual submission is far more consensual, collaborative, fun, and sexy.

Typically, the “S” in BDSM — submission — takes place within a kinky context when someone takes on a more (or the only) dominant role and someone else takes on a more (or the only) submissive role, explains Ashley Paige, an NYC-based professional Dominatrix and smut maker.

“It’s when there’s a consensual exchange of power,” Paige says.

Nope! There may be some overlap, but “bottom” generally refers to someone who’s physically on the bottom during sex. (Think: the partner on their back during missionary.)

A person may also identify as a bottom to not only describe their sexual preference, usually one who receives penetration, but to indicate their social role and sexual identity.

“There isn’t necessarily a power exchange when someone is on top and someone else is on bottom,” says Paige.

“Submission is about the giving/receiving of power,” Paige adds.

“Someone who is a submissive can be on top, servicing their partner because they’re skilled at something the Dominant enjoys.”

Generally speaking, in the most traditional form of BDSM play, there’s a submissive who consensually “gives up to control” (note the quotations!) to the Dominant.

But considering almost half of the general population has tried some form of BDSM in their lives, it’s safe to say submission doesn’t have one #lewk.

Moments

A partner pins your arms behind your back during doggy. Or pulls your hair during missionary. Or spits in your mouth. Or spanks your bum. Or calls you “greedy” or “my slut” or “little girl.” Or or or or…

There are thousands of little moments within more “traditional” sex that may invoke elements of submission and dominance or power play.

So long as all partners consent and enjoy these moments, this is A-OK, says Callie Little, a sex and relationships educator and writer.

“Whether or not you count this as being under the BDSM umbrella is up to you,” Little adds.

Scenes

Think of “scene” as the kinkified version of “Sexy Time, from start to finish.”

A scene is a series of pre-negotiated acts/sex acts/BDSM activities that have been fully discussed and agreed upon from beginning to middle to end by all participants.

What a scene will look like is varied as kinksters themselves.

A scene might entail one partner spanking another 10 times, at increasing intensity with the goal of getting to a 7–10 on the pain scale.

Or it may be much more elaborate. Maybe the scene starts with wax play, moves onto nipple torture, and ends with orgasm denial. Or maybe it involves an extended flogging.

Ongoing relationships

Sometimes called 24/7 D/s or Lifestyle D/s in the wonderful world of BDSM, ongoing relationships refer to partnerships where there’s no real break from the power exchange.

Essentially, both the submissive and Dominant are in role the majority of the time.

D/s is often used as shorthand to describe a relationship where someone leads (the Dominant) and someone follows (the submissive).

The “D” is usually capitalized to signify the power of the Dominant’s position, while the “s” is usually in lowercase.