How to get out of love with someone

Many of us have felt it: There's someone on our minds, and even though they don't feel the same way, we still feel the desire to build a relationship. Loving someone you can't have can take a toll on your mental health, and longing to be with them can be heart-wrenching. This type of emotional turmoil can feel unrelenting at times.

But while you may feel like all hope is lost, it's important to remember that this person, ultimately, only plays a small role in the timeline of your life. Even if you're in love with someone you can't have, there are plenty of ways to work with your brain—not against it—to stop loving them.

Below, read on to learn five ways to get past unrequited love (and how to move on the right way) from experts Jeremy Nicholson and Chloe Carmichael.

When you love someone you can't have, it's common to bury your feelings in an effort to avoid the painful realities of your situation. It may seem easier to push these feelings of grief away, but working through loss is an important step to get past the longing.

"Sometimes we feel unrequited love because the potential partner seems so attractive and valuable to us," says Nicholson."Other times, we feel unrequited love because we think an actual relationship might be possible, although not assured. This can happen when there is a friendship with mixed signals—or we misconstrue the interest of someone else."

Whether you're still in love with your ex, crushing on someone who's unavailable, or feeling rejected, taking the time you need to acknowledge your feelings (and feel your emotions) is crucial to the process of moving on. Sometimes, you might even find that the attraction isn't based on the individual, but the actual desire to be in a relationship.

"We may feel unreciprocated love simply because we enjoy the feeling," Nicholson says. "This can happen when we are in love with the idea of love itself, or an idealized soul mate, rather than the real person."

When was the last time you did something nice for yourself? Rather than devoting your emotional energy to thinking of someone else, try to focus on the first person who deserves your love—you.

"Part of why breakups can be so painful is that [everything] in our current environment reminds us of our ex," says Carmichael. "It can sometimes seem as if everything in our life reminds us of that person. One way to change this is to deliberately create new experiences to help the old memories start to recede. New experiences can also subtly reassure us that there are other possibilities in life."

This isn't a time for getting lost in the memories: It's a time for making new ones. Concentrate on your personal happiness, mental health, and physical well-being. By pampering yourself and practicing acts of self-love and care, you can put your focus to better use by improving your own life. When you make yourself a priority again, you’re taking a major step in dealing with unrequited love.

Don't be afraid to try something new, like traveling, signing up for a new fitness class, or learning a skill or hobby you've always been interested in. What's important is the choice to make a healthy use of your time, and allowing yourself to let go of hurtful memories.

When you're going through difficult times in life—whether in love or not—your support system can make it easier. Instead of spending time alone and shutting the world out, now is a good time to reach out to other people you care about.

Your friends and family can offer great support, guidance, and love. By being around people with positive energy who have your best interest, you can reshape your mindset and embrace their optimistic outlooks.

"We were not meant to grieve alone, so consider making sure that you’re always with a supportive friend or family member for the first week or two," Carmichael says. Their experiences can also help you put your current situation in perspective, as they've likely been there before as well.

Close relationships can be a great emotional resource, and they'll provide you with insight and direction when it comes to moving on. "Obviously, a friend or family member doesn’t fill the void, but at the very least it can be helpful to surround yourself with support during a loss," Carmichael says.

When you love someone you can’t have, it’s not uncommon to feel frustrated with yourself for not getting over them yet. But remember that the process of healing takes time—and rather than setting high expectations for yourself, it's okay to be proud that you were open to love in the first place.

"If you thought your ex was perfect but they broke up with you out of the blue, you might consider [focusing on] their inability to make or keep a commitment to you," Carmichael says. Whether you were in a committed relationship or not, it's helpful to remember that the person you love is an individual. They may not be interested in a relationship with you, or they may simply not be in the right mindset for romance to begin with. Ultimately, it's best to use these feelings as a way to move on.

"Sometimes just realizing that a person is actually not the stable, reliable 'relationship person' we initially thought they were can help decrease that person’s desirability, thereby making it a little easier to move past them," Carmichael says.

While it's okay to still have feelings for this person, you have to make your peace with the situation. Accept the reality, but remember that it can take time. Don't be hard on yourself if you're not entirely over them—these transitions don't happen overnight.

One of the most important takeaways from dealing with unrequited love is the understanding that you will find love again. While it may feel like a happy relationship just isn't in the cards for you, this simply isn't the case.

"Sometimes we may obsess about the past as a way to avoid re-entering the dating world because, on a certain level, we are afraid of repeating whatever potential mistakes that may have led to our current situation," Carmichael says. "If you think this might be the case, make sure you find ways to learn from your past relationship and have support as you ponder dating again."

Self-care and building stronger relationships with friends and family can speed up the process. Once you're confident in your daily life again, it won't feel so difficult to open up to new people. Take a moment to think about it: If you can feel this much love for someone you're not with, the amount of love you'll find in the right relationship will exceed these feelings (in the best way).

Rather than giving up on love, look forward. It's okay to let this person go in favor of excitement for meeting the next person. While it wasn't meant to be this time, it's only a step in the process of finding what's best—and it'll be even better after looking back on this experience.

Letting go of someone you love is probably one of the most challenging things to do–but it is not impossible.

So, how do you let go and fall out of love with someone?

When it’s real love, we never really fall out

What if we’ve limited our understanding of what falling in love is because the falling itself places our heart at nearly unbearable risk? And what if we need to believe that, when we’re falling, there will be an end to that overwhelming emotional state where we find our heart is beating right out of our chest?

Perhaps we need to believe in the possibility of “falling out of love” because, while falling, we can’t think straight, and we sometimes find ourselves barely able to function at all. What if what happens when we fall in, is that, deep down, we know that we can never, not really, ever fall out?

So, maybe the answer to the question of “How to fall out of love with someone?” is the most ironic one possible: We fall out of love with someone when we stop falling and land in real life with them (after the honeymoon, the insecurity, idealization, and obsession).

After that, the road forks:

• We experience that landing as a great crash of disappointment, devalue the person—and love itself—and try to convince ourselves that it wasn’t real love after all, or
• We accept that we’ve landed in the quotidian with an actual human being, stand up and walk into our everyday lives together.

Sure, falling out of love, on first pass, sounds like either a great disappointment (you and/or this love-thing is not going to save me after all) or a defense (my heart was at too much risk and I want/need to fall out of love with you because it is either too painful or too scary).

Either way, when it’s real love, we never really fall out.

No, we carry the life, the love, the experience that we created, sustained and shared with each other always—we don’t get over it. We get through it, though, and take it with us for the rest of our lives. And this is a very good thing. Without each and every bit of love that we’ve experienced, we would not be, could not be, ourselves. We don’t recover from love, we’re not supposed to.

We do not fall out of love. But when it’s real love we stop falling, accept the landing, stand up and walk with, in and through love together…for as long as our hearts can bear.

Dr. Eric Williams, Ph.D., LPCS, LMFT, NCC

Licensed Professional Counselor | Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist | Founder, Coastal Family Services, PLLC

Consider thinking about why it’s best to fall out of love with them

Something to consider when trying to fall out of love with someone is that you don’t have to hate or be upset with them. It’s unhealthy for you to fall out of love with someone because you prefer a negative emotion to experience instead.

Consider thinking about why it’s best to fall out of love with them. Is the relationship toxic? Did they cheat on you? Are they emotionally impaired in some way that created issues for the relationship?

Now consider all the qualities you look for in a healthy relationship.

What are the qualities you look for in a partner fit for you? Vulnerability? Transparency? Security?

Make a list of these attributes and compare them to the attributes of your past partner.

Therefore, you are falling out of love with someone because you are choosing something healthier for yourself. You are choosing to live in the fullness of love as you deem healthy.

Related: How to Figure out What You Want in a Relationship

Dr. Jess O’Reilly, PhD

Astroglide’s Resident Sexologist

Take time to invest in yourself

Oftentimes, we feel as though we’re still in love with an ex (or a crush) because we idealize their memory (or we don’t really know them).

In many cases, you can use rational thought to help you to let go of feelings of attachment. If you’re trying to get over an ex, make a list of the ways in which they enriched your life and the ways in which they detracted from your happiness and fulfillment.

You are likely to find that the latter outweighs the former. If you have trouble recognizing the ways in which they (or the relationship) didn’t work for you, enlist a friend to help you. They can likely look at your ex’s behavior through a supportive and more rational lens.

In addition to identifying the reasons why you do not want to be with your ex, take time to invest in yourself.

Change your routine to break the habits you shared with your ex. If you used to stop at a specific coffee shop on the way to work, change it up and try a different cafe. If there was a show you were binge-watching together, pick a new program to watch on your own.

When you engage in the same routines, you can become sentimental and romanticize the past; instead, create new habits that allow for excitement or indulgence. Spend time with friends who are happy, as happiness is contagious; it can be helpful to hang out with folks who support you when you’re sad but try not to center all of your relationships on commiserating about your breakup.

Talk about it and allow yourself to be sad (those who acknowledge negative feelings are better able to reconcile them than those who ignore them), but look for other topics of conversation as well.

If you’re trying to get over a crush or someone you dated for a very short period of time, make a list of all the things you know about them, all the things you think you know and all the things you don’t know.

Take a look at the things you think you know and look for evidence to confirm what you think you know; you likely will find that the evidence doesn’t exist (you idealize them, because they’re new, exciting or attractive) and you can move these items into the “things you don’t know” column.

As you complete this list, you’ll likely find that you’re in love with the idea of someone that doesn’t exist in reality. You’ve filled in the gaps with your own ideal desires because you want to like/love them.

Yocheved Golani

Author | Life Coach Certified in Counseling Skills | Content Provider and Editor Specializing in Medical Topics, e-counseling.com

Look at it without prejudice

Your friends and family members want you to dump the person taking up your time and focus while treating you poorly. You might be struggling to understand why they don’t approve of your romantic partner and feel ready to defend the troubling behaviors.

That desire to defend the person is your signal that something is amiss. Loving people don’t need defending.

Though it is a struggle, step back from the situation when you’re all alone. Pretend that you’re someone watching the overall situation. Look at it without prejudice. Practice until you achieve objectivity.

Now list the incidents that have been the source of debate. Ask yourself:

“Is this the way I like being treated?”

“Did I benefit from such and such?”

“Do I want this to happen again, especially in public?”

“Do I feel safe with X?”

“Can I trust X with my money, my privacy, my safety, and my body?”

If any of the answers are “No,” or “I’m not sure,” then you need to think longer about your need to end the relationship. It might take time to lose the sense of romance the desire to be held, the need to have someone important in your life. But the benefit of walking away from someone who undermines your well-being is priceless.

You’ll be safer for the effort, especially if the jilted person demeans you later. The anger is proof that the person was harming you and would have harmed you more. Loving people make peace, not panic.

Build your inner strengths and reserve your time for someone who treats you well. When you look forward to the shared activities, you’ll know that you’re in a beneficial situation aka romance.

Bill Prasad LPC, LCDC

Psychotherapist | Licensed Professional Counselor | Certified Trauma Counselor | Approved Critical Incident Stress Management Team Instructor

Falling out of love is a day to day proposition

I have worked with a large number of people who are trying to get past a relationship break-up where they were in love. Here are some tips:

1. Disconnect all social media from the person. Staying connected will keep you connected to your pain.
2. Block all incoming texts to prevent an unended break-up. I’ve noticed a growing trend toward breaking off a relationship but keeping the person dangling through ongoing texts.
3. Spend some time looking at yourself and what you can do differently next time. Don’t plunge into another relationship! You may end up making the same mistakes. Plunging into another relationship can mean you are afraid to face yourself, you’d rather put your attention on someone else.
4. Get quality sleep. If your sleep is interrupted for more than two weeks, get some help from a physician. It is difficult to function without sleep. A lack of sleep can feed depression.
5. Put some time into exercise, yoga, meditation or church. Do a deep dive into some ongoing activities that help you to feel better.
6. Accept that falling out of love is a day to day proposition done hours at a time. Your goal is simple- get through the next hour. Plan! Plan! Plan! Long periods of idle time can leave you ruminating in a dark place where you dig a psychological hole.
7. Keep tabs on your appetite. A break-up can cause you to eat less or eat too much.
8. Go after activities that require eye-to-hand coordination. It is very difficult to ruminate about a former love while shooting a basketball, playing tennis or hitting a ball in a batting cage.
9. If you are having continued trouble (2 to 4 weeks) functioning at the workplace or as a parent, get some counseling help! This is especially true if you are thinking of harming yourself. This is even truer if you have the means (pills, handgun).

Michelle Fraley, MA, WPCC

Certified Life Coach | Relationship Expert and Professional Matchmaker | Founder and Owner of Spark Matchmaking & Relationship Coaching, LLC

Negativity bias

Believing that our partner’s actions (or inactions) are done with ill intent and believing that they don’t have our best interest at heart is one way to fall out of love with someone. It is tough to love a person if we truly think they are “out to get us” or even simply “don’t have our back.”

Being realistic

Sometimes we romanticize our partner’s behavior because we want to believe the relationship is worth saving, but if you can step out of emotion and into logic and realistically evaluate your partner’s actions and overall character, you may begin to see things more clearly and begin to fall out of love.

Refusing to settle

If you have gotten to a point in your life where you want more and you recognize that your partner is stagnant and not willing to work on personal growth, then you may find yourself falling out of love.

Outgrowing a partner happens, especially if one person is highly committed to working towards a goal (be it education, having a family, establishing a career or pursuing a dream) and the other is not. That disconnect can certainly factor into one falling out of love.

Lack of respect

Respect is a KEY factor in love. If you do not have respect for your partner, love is usually lacking as well. A lack of respect could stem from many factors including irresponsibility, immaturity, dishonesty, laziness or just plain apathy. No matter the cause of the lack of respect, you can count on that as being a component of falling out of love.

Adina Mahalli (MSW)

Certified Mental Health Expert and Family Care Professional, Maple Holistics

Remind yourself that if it’s meant to be, it’ll be

You may not believe in fate or greater power, but the truth is, everything happens for a reason. It’s easier to fall out of love with someone when you can accept that if it’s meant to be, it’ll be. Nothing good gets away.

You have to accept that things didn’t work out, and if they’re going to, eventually they will. There’s a reason that it didn’t work out which you don’t realize now. This isn’t a feeling you can feel right away, but it should help in getting over an unforgettable love.

Hopefully, you’ll back at these memories and either laugh that you thought this was true love or with the confidence that you knew that this love would come back in the end.

Lesson learned

Just because it didn’t work out, doesn’t mean that there wasn’t something for you to learn from the experience. One of the ways to fall out of love with someone and come out as a stronger person on the other side is by taking stock of the ways in which this relationship changed you for the better and what you have learned about yourself through the process.

Life itself is a process and falling out of love with someone is just one small step in the journey of becoming your best self. Instead of focusing on your lost relationship, use it as an opportunity to learn about yourself and grow.