When you accept someone--faults and all

Life is about going for things. And when we do, rejection is always a possibility.

Big or Small, Rejection Affects Us All

Rejection doesn't have to be about the big stuff like not getting into your top college, not making the team, or not getting asked to prom. Everyday situations can lead to feelings of rejection, too, like if your joke didn't get a laugh, if no one remembered to save you a seat at the lunch table, or if the person you really like talks to everyone but you.

Feeling rejected is the opposite of feeling accepted. But being rejected (and we all will be at times) doesn't mean someone isn't liked, valued, or important. It just means that one time, in one situation, with one person, things didn't work out.

Rejection hurts. But it's impossible to avoid it altogether. In fact, you don't want to: People who become too afraid of rejection might hold back from going after something they want. Sure, they avoid rejection, but they're also 100% guaranteed to miss out on what they want but won't try for.

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How to Cope

The better we get at dealing with rejection, the less it affects us. So how can you build that ability to cope?

Here are some ideas:

Be Honest

Coping well with rejection involves working with two things: how you feel and what you think.

Let's start with feelings: If you get rejected, acknowledge it to yourself. Don't try to brush off the hurt or pretend it's not painful. Instead of thinking "I shouldn't feel this way," think about how normal it is to feel like you do, given your situation.

Notice how intense your feelings are. Did this rejection upset you a lot? Or just a little? Cry if you want to — it's a natural way to release emotion.

Now, move on to name what you're feeling. For example: "I feel really disappointed that I didn't get chosen for the school play. I wanted it so badly, and I tried so hard. I feel left out because my friends made it and I didn't."

If you want, tell someone else what happened and how you feel about it. Pick someone who will listen and be supportive.

Telling someone else can help for two reasons:

1. It can be reassuring to know that someone understands what you're going through and how it feels.
2. It forces you to put your feelings into words.

Whether you decide to share your feelings with someone else or simply think about them yourself, acknowledging feelings can help you move beyond painful emotions.

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Be Positive

When you're dealing with a painful emotion like rejection, it's easy to get caught up in the bad feeling. But dwelling on the negative stuff can feel like living the experience over and over again. Not only does it keep hurting, it becomes harder to get past the rejection.

So admit how you feel but don't dwell on it. Avoid talking or thinking about it nonstop. Why? Negative thinking influences our expectations and how we act. Getting stuck in a negative outlook might even bring about more rejection. It certainly doesn't inspire a person to try again.

Examine Your Thought Soundtrack

Now on to what you think: Consider how you're explaining the rejection to yourself. Are you being too hard on yourself? It's natural to wonder, "Why did this happen?" When you give yourself an explanation, be careful to stick to the facts.

Tell yourself: "I got turned down for prom because the person didn't want to go with me." Don't tell yourself: "I got turned down because I'm not attractive" or "I'm such a loser." These aren't facts. They're imagining a reason, reading too much into a situation. If put-down thoughts like these start creeping into your mind, shut them down.

Self-blaming or put-down thinking can exaggerate our faults and lead us to believe stuff about ourselves that simply isn't true. This kind of thinking crowds out hope and a belief in ourselves — the very things we need to get past feeling bad and want to try again.

If you start blaming yourself for the rejection or put yourself down, you can start believing you'll always be rejected. Thoughts like, "I'll never get a date" or "No one will ever like me" amplify a simple rejection to disaster level. Rejection can hurt a lot and can be terribly disappointing, but it's not the end of the world.

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Keep Things in Perspective

Tell yourself: "OK, so I got rejected this time. Maybe next time, I'll get a 'yes'" or "Oh, well. This is what happened. I don't like it. It's not how I wanted things to work out. But everyone gets rejected — and I can try again."

Think about what you're good at and what's good about you. Remember times when you've been accepted, when you made the cut, when someone told you "yes." Think of all the people who like you and support you.

Give yourself credit for trying. You took a risk — good for you. Remind yourself that you can handle the rejection. Even though you were turned down now, there will be another opportunity, another time. Get philosophical: Sometimes things happen for reasons we don't always understand.

Use Rejection to Your Advantage

A rejection is a chance to consider if there are things we can work on. It's OK to think about whether there's room for improvement or if your goals were higher than your skills.

If your skills weren't strong enough this time, maybe you need to work on your game, your studies, your interview technique, or whatever it takes to improve your chances of getting accepted next time. Use the rejection as an opportunity for self-improvement.

Sometimes a rejection is a harsh reality check. But if you approach it right, it could help nudge you in a direction that turns out to be the perfect fit for your talents, personality, and all the really great things that make you who you are.

One evening, while riding the metro home from work, I overheard two girls nonchalantly discussing relationships.

Now, before you accuse me of spying, allow me to inform you I do not usually make a habit of listening in on other people's conversations.

OK, that's not entirely true. Allow me to rephrase that comment: I don't always make it a habit.

However, these particular individuals made it their goal to inform the entire train of their conversation, which therefore made it challenging for me (and everyone else) to ignore them.

The crux of the discussion went something like this: One of the girls has been dating a guy for a while, but now all they ever do is fight.

When asked by her friend what the arguments are about, the girl answered,

It's little things that add up to big things. I'm just now discovering he may not be the person who I thought he was.

The friend then asked her,

What do you mean?

The girl replied,

I can't explain it, but I feel as though he's changed since when we first started dating.

Almost immediately, my interest was piqued.

Just a few months ago, I was caught uttering the exact same words to my best friend, as we devoured Chinese takeout on my couch.

With that being the case, I remained silent and intently focused on the remainder of the conversation between the friends.

The girl with the boyfriend continued to list all the changes that have occurred in her relationship, along with additional reasons why she no longer felt the man she was dating was "the one":

He snores. He leaves the toilet seat up. He occasionally suggests we split the check. He doesn't immediately text me back. He never wants to hang out with my friends and me.

And my personal favorite:

He doesn't make close to six figures a year.

In my mind, these weren't exactly deal breakers. After all, no one is perfect and expecting anything but is merely a recipe for disappointment.

When asked by her friend if the guy treated her well and if she loved him, the girl answered,

I mean, he's really sweet and attentive and I know he truly cares for me. How could I not?

She added,

But I just don't think we're the right fit.

As she uttered the words, it was impossible to ignore the palpable contradiction which dripped from each syllable. Almost immediately, my interest dissipated and transformed into overall irritation.

When my stop finally arrived, I was beyond relieved when the double doors opened and I could swiftly make my exit. As I began my usual 10-minute walk home, I suddenly found myself thinking about my own relationship with my current boyfriend.

In the beginning of our courtship, life was bliss.

My stomach was constantly filled with butterflies and a broad smile was incessantly etched onto my face. Every day felt like an adventure, but as time elapsed and our relationship progressed, I found myself questioning whether this individual was right for me.

For one, there was a 13-year age gap between us, and although there were numerous similarities between us, there were also many differences.

For instance, we had contrasting views on marriage and children. He wanted both, whereas I was still trying to decipher whether a tomato was a fruit or vegetable, let alone if those components could eventually factor into my life.

The marriage and children part... not the tomato.

It wasn't until we spent time apart when I discovered the significant role my boyfriend played in my life.

It was during that brief period when I realized how much I truly cared for this person, and how I didn't want to go through life without him by my side.

You know what -- he isn't perfect. He can be moody, stubborn and occasionally complex. But those are characteristics that shape him into the man I love.

We may have opposing views on specific topics -- and sometimes we find ourselves arguing because of them -- but that doesn't make our bond any less special or diminish the way I feel about him.

Perhaps that's why I found the conversation on the train so annoying.

Relationships aren't crafted to be perfect. In fact, it's within the imperfections where the magic truly lies.

Loving someone -- really, truly loving someone -- requires a certain amount of compromise and patience.

It's being able to love them at their worst and stand by them when life becomes difficult. Because if there's anything I've learned from my current relationship, it's that there won't always be butterflies and smiles.

There will be times when you want to scream and say things you probably shouldn't and frustrating moments where you never want to speak to your significant other again.

But at the end of the day, what matters most is your devotion and loyalty to one another.

Only someone who has a true understanding of love will comprehend this. After all, you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who didn't completely accept you, so why would you expect anything different from your partner?