In what way do you demonstrate respect for a childs choice not to participate

Do you ever think about the effects of asking your children to kiss or hug others? When they push back and hesitate, do you insist on giving Grandpa a hug even after they dig in their heels? If someone forced you to push aside your own feelings and share affection with a person you don’t want to, how would you feel? Instead, let’s chose to empower our kids with the right to say No and to listen to their own bodies. Let them develop their own body autonomy and personal boundaries without the influence of adults. 

My child’s body is her own. It is not mine. I do not own her body nor can I say I know what personal boundaries she feels within her.

As her parent and advocate, I can’t force my daughter to ignore her feelings for the sake of being compliant, or not being considered rude or disrespectful to others.

It is her body, not mine. This means that she alone gets to make her own decisions when it comes to her body. Even now as she nears the age of six and even when she was one, and two, and three, and four years old she has always been in charge of her body.

This means that she (or my son) doesn’t have to hug you, kiss you, be held, cuddle, sit on your lap or be tickled.

She doesn’t even have to give you a high-five if she doesn’t want to… because it’s her body and only she will decide if she wants to give or receive physical affection and what her personal boundaries are.

This is because I am teaching my children the importance of

respecting their own personal boundaries and to respectfully say “no.”

While I can read my daughter’s body language pretty well, I do not know what she feels, and what she’s comfortable and uncomfortable with. She gets to make her own decisions about what she wants and doesn’t want when it comes to her body… as does my son… as do I… as should you.

When our twins were less than two years old, my husband told them to give their grandparents a hug and kiss as they were leaving after dinner. Both kids hesitated, looked up at me and in that moment, I could read the message they were making. They didn’t want to hug or kiss their grandparents and weren’t comfortable with my husband’s request.

I simply told them, “You don’t have to hug or kiss anyone if you don’t want to. It’s your body and you get to decide.”

While my children’s grandparents didn’t question what I had told said and were happy to accept a high-five, my husband didn’t understand why I wouldn’t just tell our kids that they HAD to give them a hug and a kiss goodbye.

It was the first of many discussions about teaching our children about body autonomy and personal boundaries that will empower them now and in the future.

RESPECT YOUR CHILD’S CHOICE TO SAY “NO”

When you teach your children that they have the power of choice when it comes to their body, they learn to listen to the little voice in their head and will feel and know they are in control of their boundaries.

Sometimes kids aren’t in the mood, or don’t feel comfortable sharing their love. They might not like to have their body hugged by someone else. This is OK.

When a child learns that “no” is acceptable to say to others, it empowers them about their body and physical space.

It doesn’t matter if your child sees Grandma often, obviously, there is no inherent risk in hugging her, but the principle you teach your child when you support their decision to set boundaries is what matters. They learn about their own self-worth and the power that saying “no” matters and is an respected choice.

TRUSTING GUT INSTINCTS

Teaching kids to listen to their gut instincts goes hand-in-hand with body autonomy. If something feels off about a person, it makes them feel bad or strange inside, that is their gut instinct kicking in saying “NO!”

When they follow those gut instincts, the choice to not accept or give affection or be near that person is incredibly important and can be life-saving.

AFFECTION SHOULD NEVER BE FORCED

If you force your child to ignore their feelings and to submit to unwanted affection, they learn that their own boundaries don’t matter and they don’t have control of them.

This is dangerous because it’s teaching children their body is being used to make people in authoritative positions happy and strips them of their power and confidence.

This mindset can put your child in abusive and scary sexual situations if they don’t possess the power to say “no” and have complete ownership of their body.

When adolescents start having sexual relationships, a weakened resolve can lead to peer pressure and unwanted sexual acts because they are submitting their bodies to authority.

Parents are affected by these choices too.

Parents shouldn’t force affection either or act dejected when their child says no. It’s easy to want to share affection with your kids, but if there is ever a time that they don’t want those extra hugs and kisses, know that you need to respect this choice and give them the space their kindly requested.

All adults, relatives, siblings and friends should learn to respect children’s wishes and “gut feelings” and parents need to show support of their children in these situations.

HANDLING OTHERS WHO HAVE HURT FEELINGS 

A grandparent, relative or friend may act dejected if they don’t get a hug or a kiss from your child, and it’s easy to acquiesce to them, especially when there may be no inherent risk, but this is a critical time for a parent to step in and stand up for the child.

There is nothing wrong, rude, or inconsiderate about letting your child make decisions about their body. When a parent stands up to the person who is acting dejected or trying to make your child feel bad about their decision, you are showing your child that their choice is the right one and gives them confidence. Let your child and the dejected person know that your child has a right to their own feelings and choices and is not being rude or disrespectful.

Offer alternatives to your child in place of hugging, kissing and touching. For example, your child can give out high-fives, a fist bump, to blow them a kiss or simply say, “No Thank You.”

Explain your policy to other adults and relatives, especially if they may be coming for a visit and you know them to be extra affectionate. Suggest less intimate greetings like a high-five or a hand-shake.

If and when your child is more comfortable and may display affection, the adult on the receiving end will have a better appreciation for the love being shared.

WANT MORE?

We all know what it feels like to be respected (or disrespected). But what does the word respect really mean? To teach respect in the classroom we must be able to define it. We won’t bore you with dictionary definitions—they’re not particularly helpful when working with kids, anyhow.

Respect can be summed up this way: It’s about treating others as you would like to be treated.

What does this actually look like in the classroom? Kids who show respect and are shown respect:

• Feel safe around their peers and their teacher;

• Don’t yell or talk over others;

• Listen to others even when they disagree;

• Don’t try to control others;

• Talk openly about their needs and wants;

• Admit when they’ve made a mistake; and

• Freely express who they are and allow others to do the same.

Here are some ways to teach and encourage respect in the classroom:

• Model respect. Children look to adults for clues about behavioral expectations. If they see their teachers and caregivers treating others with respect and compassion, they're more likely to do the same. Children are master imitators. When we expect them to show kindness or say please and thank you, we must act as role models and do the same.

• Start with yourself. Too often adults make the mistake of demanding respect from children while treating children disrespectfully—by shaming, lecturing, or criticizing them when they "push our button." Teachers and caregivers must commit to unlearning ineffective or harmful responses to children. We can train ourselves to think before speaking and choose our words carefully, knowing that children imitate what they see and hear.

• Discuss respect with students. Use age-appropriate language to let students know how they should treat others. Teach your children to use respectful words and phrases, like "Yes, Miss/Mrs. Smith," and say please and thank you. Explain that respect is visible in behavior, attitude, and actions toward others. Make sure kids know that it's not okay for anyone to use disrespectful behavior, including adults.

• Praise respectful behavior. Recognize students when they demonstrate kindness, good manners, empathy, and respect for others. This intentional acknowledgment leads to positive outcomes. Imagine what happens when the school staff looks for these behaviors, publicly praises the students, and then records the positive behaviors on a chart. Students are more likely to repeat the behaviors, resulting in a more encouraging classroom environment and school culture change. One of the best ways for teachers to shift their focus toward the students' positive attitudes and actions is simple tools and training that quickly add structure to guide teachers. 

Integrating Positive Recognition Throughout the School

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• Incorporate social-emotional learning. Focusing only on negative behaviors can make students feel like they are “bad” or “problem children.” Social-emotional learning (SEL) is a different approach—it uses positive discipline and deliberately emphasizes recognizing students for their positive character qualities. SEL equips children with the tools they need to manage their own emotions. And when kids can keep their emotions in check, they’re better at controlling their behavior and navigating interpersonal relationships.

Respect starts at home and in the classroom. It lays the groundwork for positive interactions and relationships throughout a person’s life. Respect is one of the core tenets of the HONORABLE CHARACTER™ Classroom Management System. Let us make it easy, painless, and simple for you to incorporate respect in the classroom.

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